Tennessee governor signs controversial "gateway sexual activity" bill

"OK, settle down, students. We're ready to... Michael, was that your ring tone I just heard? I want you to bring that phone up here, turn it off, and leave it on my desk until it's time to go. Now." (waits....) "Alright, thanks. I know, you just forgot to turn it off. Anyone else 'just forget?' Now's your chance to turn 'em off, because the next one will go to the office until the end of the day." (some rustling...)

"Alright, then. Today we're starting our "Interpersonal Hygeine" unit, which covers the physiological processes of reproductional maturation and how this affects persons in adolescence who should never ever ever ever even consider doing anything that might involve physical contact more explicit than a very short handshake. Meaning, all of you. I'll take questions as we go along... yes, Monique?"

"What's 'reproductional maturation?'"

"Good question, Monique, glad you asked that. 'Reproductional maturity' is the physiological state of being capable of human reproduction."

"You mean... sex? Sexual maturity?"

"I'm not allowed to say that, Monique. For now, we're using 'reproductional maturity.' So, we have two basic items to cover here, and then we can move on to our next unit on anabolic steroids. First item: Young men, keep your hands and every other body part to yourselves. Second item: Young women. If you allow more than two square inches of skin anywhere between your collarbone, wrist bones, and ankle bones to be seen, it's your own fault if you get raped and pregnant, and there will be no abortion for you. That concludes out unit on reproductional maturity. Any questions, students?"

(Long silence. Just as the teacher is about to speak again a hand goes up.)

"Yes, Marshall?"

"Umm... if we're supposed to keep our hands to ourselves, does that mean it's okay to... um... I mean, can we... uh..." (trails off. Teacher consults a heavy stack of paper, flips through...)

"The lege doesn't say, Marshall. Fap at your own risk. Alright, class. Anabolic steroids, who knows what they are?"